This last summer my husband and I had the opportunity presented to us to adopt a newborn baby girl.
Our hearts were full of such overwhelming joy! Our son, my only living miracle, desperately wants to be a big brother so he was so excited!
Then circumstances beyond our control arose and those precious hopes were ripped out from under us. I tried my best to push it all under and be strong like I always do.
I wanted that baby girl so deeply like I wanted all of my babies I have lost. Unfortunately and painfully, I have lost 3 precious babies to miscarriage.
If you have never been through pregnancy loss, please allow me to explain my feelings when in the midst of it.
It’s like I was in the middle of a crowded room full of people looking at me with pitiful eyes, and even though I was surrounded by people who I KNOW love me, I felt completely and utterly desolate. While I knew God was beside me, my mind seemed to be hazy; clouded with grief. I was inwardly screaming at the top of my lungs, all the while smiling and listening to people’s “next time” or “at least you have one” or “quit trying and it will happen”. I never had the opportunity to snuggle those babies, comfort them when they needed it or just be their mommy.
I feel like miscarriage is treated like this dark kept secret. So many women suffer alone. And believe me when I say suffer. Your family honestly has no idea how to help you, when they desperately want to. It’s such an alone situation that the ONLY comfort I could manage to feel was from God.
I want to share my story in hopes that it will help someone out there to know that you are not alone. It shouldn’t be kept quiet. Please don’t treat our precious babies like they never existed simply because they never had the opportunity to breathe air. They existed and still exist in my heart. I think of them every single day. All of them. Even the precious girl we couldn’t bring home. I pray for her always. I thank God every single day for my precious son! The one I get to hold, nurture and love!
Please take the time to listen to Plumb – I want you here. It will help to describe the anguish a woman feels when dealing with loss.
About Mandee
Thank you for sharing your story! Miscarriages are sometimes treated like its not that big of a deal because it happens a lot. When my husband and I lost our first baby to a miscarriage in our 2nd trimester, I remember saying that I didn’t care that it happened everyday, it didn’t happen to me everyday. And the only other person that could truly understand the loss of our baby was my husband. People tried very hard to support us, but I understand what you mean about feeling alone.
Losing a baby is a terrible loss how ever it happens.
It must be so difficult to handle a loss through miscarriage.
My husband and I struggled to conceive our little boy. I just don’t think I could have handled it if I had to go through something like this.
I am so, so sorry to hear this. Thank you for sharing your story, I think it’s important for people to open up and share these stories. My heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. One of my grandbabies was lost due to miscarriage and while it is certainly not the same as loosing a baby as a mother, it is heartbreaking and yes these stores should be shared and the babies remembered.